Silvester 2023

I am sitting here with a nice cup of Frisian tea and some self made apple pie and wait that the year will end. I am such a boring guy, for many years I don’t celebrate the change of the year anymore. And right now as I am in this melancholic mood I wish I would have gone out, maybe with friends, and ignore my worries. Oh well it is too late for that. It is too late for many things

2023 was the year my mother died. And though that I learned a lot. I don’t know if it was because of that but this year is also a year my heart closed of. More then normally, especially with other people. Like this year was a grey year for me. I didn’t like myself this year a lot. I regret that I couldn’t communicate my feelings fully to the persons I love. As saying “I love you” and “I don’t want you to do it.” are hard to say and I rather hide behind stupid phrases like the lazy coward that I am. And then I am angry at myself for waiting until it is too late.

Well … let’s get away from such a depressing topic and let’s find something more positive, shall we? My Dojo was able to organize two Seminars this year. So that seems to have been a success, as there were people saying “thank you” to me and even giving me gifts. Which feels weird as I only told other people what to do. But seeing the smiles of these people was still something that made my heart jump with joy.

Also it seems I have to accept that slowly and surely I have students. Or at least people that only take training from me. Which is a weird feeling because I still feel not good enough for that. But still these students then taking there Kyu-exams and actually passing feels good and gives my a small sense of pride. Even though most of the time I think they didn’t pass because of my teaching and more like despite being taught by me.

I am thankful to all the people who have given me their time of day this year. For their smiles and teachings and trust they have invested into me. Next year there is much to do for me. Maybe I can learn to be more honest with myself and my feelings and actually share them for a change.

Happy new year 2024 for everybody