About being fat

Today I will write quite a personal blogpost about my situation.

Last year I felt a heavy drop in my stamina and my physical health. When walking some hundred steps I was out of breath and had to take regular breaks. If I did something exhausting I feeled how I become weaker and wanted to lay down. Going up the stairs regulary was basicly torture for me. I life on the fourth floor. We don’t have an elevator and after each floor I had to take a 3 minute break because my eyes started to went black. And you know what? I thought It was just because I was lazy sitting at home doing nothing while self isolating because of Corona. Of course sitting at home didn’t help. But it wasn’t the reason for this.

I was born with a heart condition. A few months ago I went to a checkup for my ICD and the doctor saw clearly that I suffered from atrial fibrillation and arrhythmia for pretty much the last year. Some periods were worse, some better. But clearly this was the true reason for my lack of stamina in everyday life. My heart got a “restart” after a cardioversion, an electric shock basicly the switch it off and on again of cardiology. Now I am pretty much “fine” again and go to the fourth floor to my apartment without losing consciousness. But still out of breath and sweaty at the end.

This combined with the now restarting activity of my dojo brought me to a realization that I should have had much much earlier: I am morbidly obese and if I don’t change that I will die early.

Last Sunday the 27th of June I weighed in at my new Record of 130 kg. At a height of 174 cm this means my BMI Score is 42,9. That means I am in Obesity Class 3 also known as morbidly obese. I am fucking morbidly obese! And worse, I have a heart disease. I associated the term morbidly obese with people who weighed 500 to 600 pounds and had trouble taking baths and showers on TLC. But no, I am already there medically speaking.

I feel ashamed that I didn’t realize this sooner. Or rather that I repressed that realisation. But I can’t ignore it any longer. My health clearly deteriorates because of my Weight. I am atleast 55 kg Overweight… this is like running around with a petite woman or two children strapped on my body the whole time. This is clearly too much of a strain for my heart. As I get older(I will be 32 soon) this will only get worse if I don’t change something quickly.

The worse about it? Right now I can’t find the old enjoyment in budo training any longer I had in the past. My body hurts. Just doing basic movements need a lot of energy for me. While doing the techniques correctly I spend so much energy in getting my massive body to move in the first place and then to stop this mass in the right position. I am slow and heavy on my feet so that my Kohai easily could beat me if they were serious. I look like shit. My obi won’t sit right. And honestly after realizing what a bad example I am I feel ashamed. I am a senpai in my dojo. I even teach some classes. I can’t do some of our Techniques properly because it’s too hard on my body. And why is it too hard on my body? Because I couldn’t keep my fucking piehole shut for the last years. What a great example for everybody….

Anyway, it’s time to change that now.

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